


Why Do I Love You?

by RestInReesesPieces



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Black Family (Harry Potter) - Freeform, Blood, Child Abuse, Drinking, Drugs, Euphemia Is The Mother This Boy Deserves, Help, Hogwarts, How Do I Tag, I Tried, I have no idea how to tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Piercings, Running Away, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Song fic, Swearing, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, Three Days Grace, Underage Drinking, Violence, enjoy, oh yeah, punks, this took forever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 17:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16664821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RestInReesesPieces/pseuds/RestInReesesPieces
Summary: Or the fic based off of the Three Day's Grace song spanning over Sirius' life from 1971 to 1976.





	Why Do I Love You?

**Author's Note:**

> Read at your own risk, no idea how good this is. All for fun, I own nothing apart from Johnny and Professor Nest. JK owns Harry Potter and Three Day's Grace own 'Why Do I Love You?' I just thought it fit Sirius' childhood well. If any of the issues included in this piece will trigger you, please read at your own discretion.
> 
> A PSA: don't drink and smoke with teens you've just met on the street, and definitely don't let them pierce your nose. Always go to a studio for piercings.

21st December 1971  
Sirius didn’t understand, he lay there, the first time he’d come home after being sorted into Gryffindor. Salty tears still steadily rolled down his face as his mother’s harsh words crashed into him again and again, mimicking the tidal wave of emotion Sirius was feeling right then. 

‘Why must you disappoint your mother this way, my darling? I only want the best for you, but now you’re the shame of my flesh and a filthy blood traitor. My star, you’re destroying me,’ Walburga said, voice wavering as she had her hands gripped in Sirius’ hair. She harshly jerked his head up and forced out a crocodile tear. Unfortunately being twelve, Sirius didn’t realise her tears weren’t genuine. She jerked his head around some more and then threw him to the ground. ‘Get out of here before your father sees you, disgusting muggle lover,’ she sneered and Sirius crawled to his room, holding back his tears. 

Sirius didn’t understand. James’ parents loved that he’d been sorted into Gryffindor, almost offering him anything he wanted for it. Peter and Remus’ parents had a less dramatic reaction but they were still supportive. Here Sirius was, crying and his mother hitting him, both of which hadn’t happened since he’d asked for dessert without being given permission to speak. 

18th January 1972  
Sirius didn’t understand. Why had everyone looked surprised when he made that offhand comment? Surely all parents were like his? Peter had after all received a howler. Sirius knew he was lucky when he received only a howler. 

Earlier that day Peter had beaten the other ones of the ‘Foursome ’, Merlin they needed to come up with a new name soon, to the twentieth detention. Which resulted in a letter home to his mother and step dad about his ‘behavioural issues’. Mrs Pettigrew was not at all happy about this, screaming and sending Peter a ghostly pale. Sirius just let out a bark like laugh.  
‘Mate, she left you off easy, good on ya man!’ and he slapped him on the back. At lot of people called Sirius inattentive, but he could see the confused looks exchanged between Remus and James. 

They had asked if he was excited to go home at half term and Christmas. When he had said not really they exchanged that same look. What an earth were they onto? 

23rd October 1972  
Sirius didn’t understand. This had to be normal. Why was he so worried about Remus and why he was covered in scars when he went home once a month? To him it was normal to be hit around when he was home, but he was an unruly child and his parents did it because they loved him and needed him to behave. But Remus didn’t deserve to be thrown around, Sirius had never once seen him act up on the scale he does. 

When Remus came back to the dormitory he was often covered in bruises, cuts and stiff. Today was no different. Once he, James and Peter had tucked Remus in bed Sirius booked it to the library in the hopes he could understand how to help Remus. Luckily the library had a muggle section, Sirius spent more time here than he’d care to admit, he found muggle authors so fascinating, and it didn’t take long until he found a book on parenting techniques. Sirius quickly skipped to the section titled ‘Don’ts’.  
‘Don’t: Child Abuse- this can be physical, emotional, sexual, neglect. Adults other than the guardian can abuse a child, found under ‘Grooming, Trafficking and Exploitation’. Signs of physical child abuse can be bruises, burns, and broken bones. Other signs of child abuse are not so easy to spot, the victim can be lacking in confidence, not trust easily, anxious or takes risks.’ 

Sirius felt his stomach drop. This book described Remus exactly. He had to figure out how to help him. The thought that he himself was in an abusive household never crossed his mind until much later. Right then he needed to help his friend. 

13th July 1973  
Sirius didn’t understand. He hadn’t done anything wrong and yet his mother had slapped him as soon as he’d got home, the Black family ring cutting into his cheekbone. Then she’d grabbed his hair and dragged him to his room, locking him in there. He was too shocked to cry, but little did he know he’d never cry because of his parents for four more years. 

He heard the gentle click of his door unlocking. She hadn’t unlocked his door for two days straight at this point. Walburga Black had seemed to take his father’s approach and just never came near him. She entered sheepishly, eyes downcast at the carpet. Immediately he felt apprehensive around her, he’d never felt that before and it would never go away now. Walburga let her hand caress his cut cheek, rubbing particularly hard on the wound that wasn’t healing. Sirius tried to back away from her grip but she held on tightly.  
‘Such a waste,’ she tutted, forcefully moving his head side to side, ‘you could’ve been our pride and joy, but you chose this life. You chose to hurt your family like this my star, all we wanted was the best for you. Can’t you see how much I love you?’ she wailed, ever the dramatic. Instantly Sirius felt guilt pool in his stomach. Of course they loved him, what kind of a parent didn’t love their child?  
But then she changed. He couldn’t see it but he sensed her drop the act. ‘You’re a fucking disgrace, do you know that? Running amok with half breeds, mudbloods and blood traitor scum. You’re worth less than the shit Kreature scrapes off my shoes, you’re lucky I even let something as dirty as you stay in my house.’ Her traditionally beautiful face contorted into a mask of hate as she bared her fangs and tore Sirius apart. Walburga felt nothing but cold satisfaction as she watched her son fold into himself, desperate to hide his tears, but she felt the urge to do more. Pure and vile hate filled her veins as she raised her wand and pointed it at the small, shuddering shape on the floor.  
‘You’re lucky I didn’t drown you at birth. Aguamenti.’ Icy cold water came spraying out of her wand relentlessly onto Sirius, crashing into him, snatching the air from his lungs. Walburga left the room with the traditional Black elegance, Sirius watched her go as he gasped for breath mouthing ‘mum,’. 

14th February 1974  
Sirius didn’t understand. Why was Mrs Potter treating him this way? He’d broken the vase, he deserved to be punished. By now Walburga had started casting the cruciatus for actions she deemed punishable. But Mrs Potter had just accepted it and fixed both him and the vase up. He’d been left wishing she’d left the cuts the vase had left unhealed, it felt normal to be hurt. 

The crash had been heard around the house. The willow patterned vase lay around Sirius on the rug, some bigger and sharper pieces cutting deep into his forearm. He stared at the pieces in horror, not enough time to hide them but enough time to comprehend what he’d done. James had invited him here when Sirius offhandedly mentioned he wasn’t going home that half term, now he’d broken an expensive vase, got blood on the rug and ruined the comfortable silence the house was in. James was out with Mr Potter on father and son bonding time, he’d offered Sirius to come with him but Sirius declined, saying how he didn’t want to intrude. Oh how he should’ve gone, all of this would’ve been avoided. Too late, there stood Euphemia potter, tall and elegant in a way that was entirely different to his mother. Sirius still flinched back when she gently took his pale arms in her dark skinned hands. She didn’t mention it but an incomprehensible emotion crossed her face. Why wasn’t she punishing Sirius? He should’ve been screaming for his life right then. She just smiled softly and asked what happened as she cast a few healing charms. He tried not to pull away as she ruffled his hair and smiled gently at him. ‘Thanks Mrs Potter,’ he mumbled out.  
‘Call me Mia.’ 

This was the first time Sirius had felt love. He didn’t know this of course. It was also the first time Euphemia considered herself a mother to two teenagers. 

20th June 1974  
Sirius didn’t understand. Why would Hogwarts send a letter home congratulating him? Sure he’d scored consistently highly in muggle studies all year, but why would they sentence him to damnation? Once his parents found out he was taking muggle studies that was it. They may even consider taking him out of Hogwarts all together. 

‘Mister Black, please come here,’ Professor Nest called as the class were packing away. Remus shot him a look as if to say ‘what have you done this time?’, Sirius just shrugged. Today had been relatively boring, Sirius was hoping James would come up with something to help liven it up. In short, for once in his life, Sirius hadn’t caused any mischief. As the door clicked shut after the last student left Professor Nest beamed at him. Sirius was taken back, no one over the age of 17 ever beamed at him. Tutted, sighed and yelled - for sure.  
‘Sirius I’m proud to say you scored the highest in the exam. You’ve done so consistently throughout the year and I’m pleased you picked to study this course. You have a real affinity for muggles. I’ve even written home to your parents, so at least you have some good letters from the school,’ he chuckled and then dismissed Sirius, mistaking his dread for astonishment. 

Sirius walked back to the common room in a daze. What the fuck was he meant to do? 

25th December 1974  
Sirius didn’t understand. The muggle whiskey and funny cigarette coursing through his veins, dulling the pain from his most recent cruciatus and the chill from the street he’d taken refuge on. He didn’t even know what he’d done this time, his bat shit insane mother had taken to cursing him each day, and after his daily torture he’d slipped out onto the streets of muggle London where they’d never look for him there. 

The window didn’t open very far, but Sirius managed to slip through due to the weight loss he always experienced at number 12. His feet hit the snowy pavement as Big Ben tolled midnight, marking the day as Christmas. This didn’t occur to Sirius. He wrapped his arms tighter round himself hoping to keep some warmth, how stupid to have left without a coat. To be fair, he didn’t really have a chance to grab it before he left. Sirius stomped around the snowy streets trying to pass the hours until he could guarantee James was back from his holiday to Mumbai. He just had to wait until he could escape. James would let him stay for the rest of the holidays, especially since he was so apologetic that Sirius couldn't go with him in the first place. 

As he rounded the corner he heard voices and resounding laughs. Sirius sighed, too tired to try and avoid people who may ask questions. The gaggle of teenagers broke off their laughs and one whistled through their teeth.  
‘You look rough dude, need some help?’ he asked, shaking a bottle of muggle whiskey at Sirius. The kid had a leather jacket thrown over his shirt that announced ‘The Stooges’ to the world. Some girl behind him had a bright pink mohawk and two piercings on either side of her lips, that were painted black. Today they would be known as ‘Punks’ but to young and sheltered Sirius, they were just cool, and he felt himself longing to be a part of them. Sirius had an internal debate, but decided that if he drank, he’d at least be warm. Sirius grabbed the bottle from the boy with smudged eyeliner and a pierced eyebrow. 

Sirius didn’t know how he got into this situation, one moment he was taking swigs from the bottle they had all shared, the next he had a clamp on his nose and the kid, Johnny, was preparing to put a needle through it. ‘One, two,’ Johnny pushed the long needle through Sirius’ nose. ‘Three,’ Johnny said as pain washed over Sirius’ left nostril and his eyes watered. ‘Now all we have to do is put in the hoop. Thanks so much for letting me practise on you dude,’ Johnny said, sliding the hoop into place, switching out the needle.  
‘No problem man, I mean I already had my ears pierced,’ a rebellious act against his parents a year prior that he was certain they’d hate. He was right. so I may as well…’ Sirius slurred and trailed off, intending to close his eyes for half a second.  
‘Woah, hey man! You can’t go to sleep on us just now. I can offer you a pick me up?’ Johnny held out a long thin bit of paper. It looked like a regular cigarette, a habit Sirius had started to mainly annoy his parents with the muggle act but he found it was rather soothing, however it was missing a filter. Sirius considered the nights events: he was severely drunk, had his nose pierced with a needle of questionable cleanliness and was still suffering from the cramping after effects of the cruciatus. All in all, no good decisions had been made tonight, so Sirius decided to throw caution to the wind and take it. He lit the paper and took a deep breath, holding it in his lungs until he felt like he was going to burst, releasing the smoke along with all the tension that had been building since he’d been home. 

Now Sirius felt okay. He checked his watch, noting it was four am. He had shrugged off the jumper he had managed to snag and used it as his pillow. Sirius gazed at his forearms, littered with multicoloured lines. Tonight he was in a contemplative mood, the weed and whiskey mingling leaving him unable to drown out his thoughts. They floated to the surface and Sirius rubbed his arms, some lines redder, some lines more purple. Some were from his parents, some were from… He wondered why his parents treated him the way they did, sure he was a little rebellious. James’ parents found it endearing. Furthermore, why did Sirius keep trying with them? Why did he keep trying to please them, make them happy, be the son they wanted? Why did he love them? Johnny came to sit next to him.  
‘Rough time?’ he asked, offering Sirius a new bottle of whiskey. Sirius accepted and took a swig, the amber liquid sliding tastelessly down and settling warmly in his stomach.  
Sirius raised his eyebrow, ‘you could say that,’  
Johnny snorted, ‘you’re so chill, you should hang out with us more often.’ Sirius contemplated it.  
‘I go to a boarding school, but I’ll hang out when I’m in London?’ he offered.  
Johnny smiled, ‘I’ll keep the whiskey in good supply.’  
Sirius smiled at him, before checking his watch. Six am it read back to him, James would be home from his holiday.  
‘I’ll see you in the summer,’ and with that Sirius left, walking until he was sure he was out of sight of the teens, stuck his left arm out and paid the fare for the purple bus to take him to Godric's Hollow. All in all, it wasn’t a bad Christmas. 

31st May 1975  
Sirius didn’t understand. He watched as everyone around him received their post, letters saying how much they were missed back home, letters catching them up on the news, letters saying they couldn’t wait to see them. Sirius watched as nothing arrived for him. 

Sirius watched as Regulus received letter after letter, note after note, present after present. Sirius tried to not let it get to him, after all Sirius never got any post from his family apart from tiny scraps of parchment ordering him home for whatever reason. But today, when he could see the Slytherin table so badly, when he didn’t have his chosen family to ground him, Sirius thought about his blood family. How they never showed him any kind of affection apart from good old uncle Alphard, and how even his mother kept his visits as minimal as she could. Sirius watched Regulus, surrounded by his blood family, how they loved and celebrated him. Sirius couldn’t help but feel jealousy sliding into his veins. Why was he treated so differently? What had he done? 

Sirius watched his blood family. Sirius thought about them. Until his chosen family came into the Great Hall. Until James clapped him on the shoulder and offered him a smile that shone brighter than all the magical stars on the ceiling. Then the only thing that mattered was what kind of trouble they could get into today. All thoughts of his blood family pushed into the dark corner of his mind for later. 

24th July 1976  
Sirius didn’t understand. Why would they do this to him? They were his family for merlin’s sake. They did this to him. For the first time in four years tears flowed steadily from his eyes without any sign of stopping because of his family. He just couldn’t understand. 

She threw him against the wall, tight black coils had escaped from her professional bun and the dark eyeshadow hugging her clear grey eyes gave her a slightly unhinged look. Or maybe it came from the blood trickling from her nose and the lower lip trying its best to imitate a balloon. Or maybe it was that she was pointing her wand at her son, who was also not unscathed. Throughout the normally deafeningly quiet house shrill screams could be heard from either party. 

‘YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING FILTH, STAIN ON OUR NAME AND MUGGLE LOVER,’ shouted Walburga. In a few years Bellatrix would resemble her when she breaks out of Azkaban, but for now, none of the Blacks are imprisoned.  
‘I’M EXACTLY THE WAY YOU MADE ME MOTHER, SO TAKE A GOOD FUCKING LOOK,’ Sirius cried back, spitting out the blood that was collecting in his mouth.  
‘YOU’RE UNGRATEFUL AND I’M ASHAMED THAT I EVER THOUGHT YOU COULD BE THE FUTURE OF THIS NOBLE AND MOST ANCIENT HOUSE. YOU’D BE LUCKY IF YOU WERE FIT ENOUGH TO SERVE A MUDBLOOD HOUSE,’ she screamed, her chest moving heartily as she panted. Her son could certainly fight back.  
‘I’D BE FUCKING LUCKY TO SERVE A MUDBLOOD, THEY’RE WORTH FAR MORE THAN ANYONE IN THIS BIGOTED HOUSE COULD EVER EVEN DREAM TO IMAGINE THEMSELVES BEING,’ Sirius could feel tears trying to leak out of his own grey eyes. Why, oh why did he have to be so emotional to the people who’ve treated him with nothing but disgust. 

‘My star,’ she started softly, changing tracks so suddenly Sirius couldn’t believed it had happened, ‘my star, I’m trying to help you. I don’t want you to burn out,’ her tone changed, ‘it just wouldn’t do, would it? Aguamenti.’ An old favourite of hers. Icy cold water came flooding out of her wand end, crashing into Sirius and threatening to drown him. He’d had enough of this. Welling up all his strength Sirius moved his left hand in the outline of a flame in the hopes of casting incendio. After a few attempts he heard Walburga scream as her deep olive robes caught on fire. The water stopped as the room was overcome with violent flames that made their way around the room, licking up the curtains and leaving the precious sofa they’d had in the Black family since Grindelwald times horrifically burned.  
‘INSUFFERABLE CUR,’ Walburga screamed as her favourite painting of herself went up in flames. The portrait Walburga ducked out of frame whilst also taking it upon herself to shout insults alike her inspiration. Sirius sighed internally, only one thing was worse than mother, two of them. He directed his vibrant flames towards the painting and it went up with an impressive whoosh and scream that would’ve made a banshee proud. 

‘How fucking dare you.’ It was quiet and deep. It couldn't have been mother’s then. ‘Not only are you a disgrace that puts this house to shame every time you do anything, no that couldn’t been enough, you’ve gone and destroyed the house of your fathers.’ The voice chilled something very deep inside Sirius, making it impossible to keep up his flames. Sirius had never interacted with his father before, all discipline was left to his mother. Sirius had only ever heard that tone once before, and the subjected had soon been tortured to insanity. Sirius felt his legs tremble and his breath quicken. 

‘So you’re the muggle loving, blood traitor filth that is set to lead my house once I’m gone?’ Orion walked in front of Sirius, his cane banging on the floor to accentuate each step his highly polished shoes made on the hardwood floor. ‘I think I’d rather have a half breed like your ex niece’s daughter, darling’ he said addressing Walburga, but sneering at Sirius like he were a muggle.  
‘Not only have you utterly fucked up this family beyond restoration, but you’re ruined your mother's favourite painting, and,’ he said, finally addressing Sirius. He had a nasty glint that Sirius did not like the look of. ‘You’ve killed her firstborn. Her pride and joy, her star,’ he finished, flourishing his wand. Sirius was frozen to the spot. He was fucking terrified.  
‘Cast with me now, my darling.’  
‘Anything for you, my love.’ They raised their wands together.  
‘Crucio,’ they cried in unison. Sirius fell to the floor as the cruciatus was doubled in strength. The blinding, white hot pain crashed into his body and filled every inch of him. For the fifth time that day Sirius felt himself writhe and scream uncontrollably. If he could coherently think then he would’ve realised he was getting bored of being endlessly tortured. 

Eventually his birth givers also found torturing their son endlessly was rather dull. There was only so many new ways they could make him scream after all . When Sirius came too he found he was alone, lying on the hardwood floor sticky with a dark red substance. He tried not to think about what it was or where it was coming from. He summed his wand to him and took off at a slow crawl, hoping to make it to the fireplace before any of the bastards came back.He grabbed the grey powder kept on the hearth and threw it into the fireplace. Instantly green flames sprung up and Sirius did his best to drag himself into the fireplace without leaving any of himself behind. Sirius had to get somewhere where he knew they’d help him no matter what, a place where he felt unconditionally loved.  
‘Potter mansion,’ he croaked out and suddenly he felt himself being spun around sickeningly fast, which did not help his pounding head at all. The fire spat Sirius out in a motion that was severely lacking in elegance onto a knitted rug in a mansion in Godric’s Hollow. Sirius did an inventory check of himself, his ripped jeans were sporting new rips, his 'Ramones' shirt smelled overwhelmingly like smoke. However his docs and leather jacket were showing their durability and were almost as good as new. Sirius just lay there on the Potter’s rug as he considered what an earth he was going to say to them. 

Euphemia walked into her living room carrying a bag of wool, absentmindedly humming an old wizarding song under her breath. She took one look at the bleeding, sooty and dishevelled boy on her rug and dropped her bag of wool.  
‘Merlin, Sirius! What are you doing here? Are you okay? Should I call James? What do you need?’ her questions were picking up speed and Sirius could feel himself start to black out.  
‘Hi Mia, I think I’ve got blood on your nice rug again. I’m ever so sorry,’ he smiled at her with what he could only assume were blood stained teeth and he put his head down on the rug. ‘I think I may need some help,’ was all he managed to get out before he felt himself slide into the painless blackness that passing out promised him. He heard Euphemia let out a laugh that held a surprising amount of sob in it and that was the last he knew before he woke up some time later. 

Everything ached and he didn't want to get up. He wasn't ready to face mother today after yesterday. His room was blissfully dark and quiet, the gentle snoring of Reg nearby and his bed was so comfortable for once. Sirius shot up, his bed was never comfortable. Once his eyes adjusted he realised it wasn’t Reg’s snores, but it was his other brother’s. So he had made it to the Potter’s then, that hadn't been his tortured mind finding respite anyway it could.  
Once Sirius had a handle on his wildly hammering heart, he went over how everything in his body hurt. He could tell his legs were all cut up, his ribs had been reset and that numerous places on his body had been severely burned. Sirius felt the post- cruciatus cramps kick in. Somehow he knew that everything physical would be okay in the morning. 

But right now, faced with the three people who loved him most in the world, he couldn’t help but review last night, and his interactions with the people who were meant to love him most in the world. They had treated him with such disdain ever since he was born, and for what reason? That he was different? That was a piss poor reason for using unforgivable curses on him for years, even if he did say so himself. They were going to kill him. That fact was only just starting to make itself known in Sirius’ mind and the full realisation would not happen until many years from then. A tear made its way down Sirius’ face as he thought about the people who were supposed to love him unconditionally, what they had tried to do, what they had done. Sirius thought about how he felt, and hated that he still felt compassion towards them, hated that he still wanted to impress them, make them proud of him when they should already be proud of him. He hated that he hated them. He hated that he still loved them. As Euphemia pushed open the door and saw her newest son curled up with James’,tears running down his face, one thought cemented itself in his mind; why do I love you?

**Author's Note:**

> So there you have it! Please leave a kudos and a comment if you want, if you don't, no biggie!  
> Also leave a recommendation for a song that you want to see as a fic!  
> Come say hi on tumblr : Rest In Reese's Pieces


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